Butter my Grits!

Well isn't life crazy?!

It's literally been going 110 mph for me as of lately.

Although I am still working on the earlier planned goals, it's been going a good bit slower than I originally intended.

My health decline is ridiculous, but we won't go there.
Work is keeping me busy, as well as trying to have as much time with my kids as possible.

Lately, I've been having fun printing out worksheets for my 4 year old, we have had so much fun with those! She constantly impresses me with her knowledge! We have also been printing out crafts for the three of us to do together.

It's something different, free, and brings us closer.
I have no complaints!

Picking back up on my coupons.. it's hard to be as organized as I once was, but nonetheless, I am using (and saving).

I am VERY pleased to see that our country is once again, RED!!!

I hope everyone who voted for Obama not only once, but TWICE, has realized the huge error in their ignorant ways.

Our country is still facing deep doo-doo, now that Obama has ultimately failed. 

It's only going to get worse, people!

I am doing my best not to talk politics this morning, as this is only meant to be an entry.

Got off work at 7AM, picked up Bug, stopped to get a Sunday paper, and came home to make her breakfast.

Buttered grits, scrambled eggs, and toast with butter and jelly.

Simple, yet satisfying.

I have hired a babysitter and now paying quite a bit more in childcare fees, but it's worth every bit of it. I have printed applications and started to fill them out. Just waiting for a day that I look presentable, not sick, and have time to get them turned in. I'm also working on getting into a dental clinic for an extraction, I am NOT excited about this, mind you. 

Slowly, but surely, I am accomplishing things previously mentioned.

Slow is good.
Too fast, is never good.

So.

With all of that said, I bid you farewell!

My Brain Threw Up

Tiffany Thinks....

Tiffany thinks shes has it all figured out. A plan. A goal. Life...

But she dont

And to be honest, it scares me more than anything in this world, to face the reality of things. It literally tears me down. To sit here and think about the mess I'm in. No... It does not bother me for myself. To think about the mess I'm getting my kids into. The mess they are having to endure. Because of me. All, me.

     The one thing I have always tried to avoid: FAILURE.

Even when I feel like I'm doing it, making it, etc. There is always this voice in my head, that I try so desperately to ignore.

"Your drowning, running on empty, failing, tired, failing, you'll never be more than you are, failing, you'll be just like her, failing..."

 

I try. I do. So hard. And always end up with the same thing. I want so much more for my kids. I do. 

 

I have problems; I'm not afraid to admit

 

The lifestyle I had growing up.. is not what I want for my kids. I want them to know they can come to me with anything, know they are loved more than anything, know they come first in my life... and I have gone about it all wrong.I have showered them with materialistic things. I have devoted every dollar to make them feel loved with toys, clothes, shoes, etc. This is not love. It's not. I need to show them love in every aspect of their life, without money. And I am going to...

 

  My goals aren't realistic anymore. I have a family, that I created. I chose. I take full responsibility for that, no doubt. I don't expect anyone to drop their life and take care of me or my kids. And I never will. I want to be happy, yet still take care of my kids. Alone. I don't want to depend on ANYONE to have to be here at a certain hour to watch my kids. I don't want to have to worry who will be here and who won't. I really do just want to run away and say "Fuck you all!". But what would that solve? Me being angry at people for not helping me?? How can I be angry at people for that... I dont know why I'm angry about it... I've never had anyone, in my whole life to actually be there 100% for me. So, when someone tells me they will be there for me, and start backing out.. it bothers me, to say the least. I cannot count on one person. And I dont want to. I really dont. I want to take matters in my own hands, do it myself, raise my kids, and to hell with everyone else. Thats what I want. And in order to do this.. my fucking pride is going to have to lay down for a while.

 

I recognize the issues: Now I need a new plan

 

I'm going to have to take the advice I have been given. Normally, I don't choose this route. Because I trust nobody. But, this is different. Probably the only person who has come closest to "being there", even if it was brief. Nonetheless, my only friend. I'm going to have to find a new job. And it kills me to think about having to re-do this process again. I tried so hard to get the job I have now. I cannot keep working nights. I cannot afford, nor survive, going back to school right now. I cannot keep worrying about every other aspect of everything, at this moment. It's time to seclude myself, even more than I already have. I have to focus on my kids and I, at this moment. I have to get this stress off my shoulders.. off my heart. Because, ultimately, it will kill me. If I have to reach to people, I don't need them This will be the mindset I keep. For a while. New job, new hours, new me, new rules.... A new lifestyle. 

 

My biggest issue:

 

My self esteem. It's basically dissipated in the last 4 years. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I have no sense of appreciation for myself. I don't feel good about myself. Inside or out. When I'm alone, I can see a glimpse of good in myself. When I'm around anyone else, I'm just another uneducated, white girl. I feel all of my confidence slip. I blame anxiety for this. I blame the people who I have been surrounded by my whole life, for this. But, in the end, I can blame myself. I have allowed people to make me feel like shit, to call me a failure, to treat me anyway they wish. I have spared their feelings only to destroy myself. NO FUCKING MORE! I'm done being "nice". Heres a quote for you: "They all want you to do well, but never better than them." This really hits home, because more than anyone, I know this. I have lived this. 

 

I'm not looking for pity, just facing things.

 

I'm going to pick myself up, take this advice in stride, and get shit done. I'm going to take this World by storm, and fast. And, alone. Other than my kids, of course. But, mama is going to turn this all around. "You're the parent... YOU are the parent." I don't think I can cry anymore over these scenarios, and I'm not going to. My eyes are tired of being red. I just have to face reality. I have to do something that works. I cannot see this as a fail, like I currently do. I have to see this as... better opportunities.  

 

I have to stop seeing myself as this uneducated, unsophisticated, unattractive, in-confident, failure of a person... that I see myself as, every time I step out my front door, every phone conversation I have, every person I talk to, every day of my life. I am who I am, and she's not sitting back, anymore. I don't need anyone's approval of what I do/am doing. IF I do ask you for advice, feel special, because it's a 0.1% chance that I actually care what anyone thinks.

 

So, as the new me, let me introduce myself to you:

"My name is Tiffany. I despise every fucking nigger who lives off the hard work I do every single day, to raise my kids. Then wants to tell ME that "African Americans" are the minority. FUCK YOU! I do not support Obama, and I have very strong, yet intelligent political beliefs. I do not care if I offend you with any of this. Other than the fact that I have to fear for my life (shot, raped, maybe both?!), I would gladly announce my introduction to everyone I come in contact with. I won't go further in depth, because I could be here all night... But the point is..

 

My name is Tiffany, & I am DONE with the bullshit; Time to do something about things.        

  

Republican Surrounded By Democrats

Food stamps.

When you see those words, what comes to mind?
Maybe you think of poor people, welfare, a helping hand?
Or maybe you think of
disgust, misuse, take it away, druggies.

My name is Tiffany.. and I am a single mother of two little girls, ages 2 and 3. I work full time as a CNA. By the time I get home, its time to bathe kids, cook, clean, and get in bed, just to get back up the next morning and do it all again.

I am in no way, shape, or form complaining about my life. I have made all of the choices I am living with today. I do not regret having children early, nor do I feel like a minor due to being a single parent. 

I don't mind working. I love the feeling of self supporting for my kids. I dont mind spending every dollar I earn on bills, in order to have a normal life for my children.
We dont have much, but what we do have is a home.

What I do mind???

Food stamps. I have received them to feed my children for the last two years, of no less than $200.00. However when I re apply this month, I get $14.00. What a slap in the face. They should have just refused me any!

You are telling me that because I work and TRY to do something with myself, I am punished?! EVERY dollar I have goes to a bill, while more bills sit in the drawer of my desk. There is NO money left over for fancy meals at restaurants, big toys for my kids, or to even have satellite in my house for my kids. 

I PERSONALLY know people who bring LOTS more money (my monthly amount in one week) and get $300 or more in food stamps a month. 

So, let me get this right.. I am punished for being honest, punished for actually getting off my ass and working, punished because I'm a WHITE AMERICAN??

Yeah.. if you didnt know even the DCF workers will tell you that African Americans get food stamps easier than if they were Caucasian.

 I am sick of being treated differently because of my skin color. Like I have to work harder to get any help, only to have it taken away. If you think Caucasian people are on top of the totem poll.... Check again.

I am DISGUSTED by our government. I am DISGUSTED by people who abuse this system.. because of those people.. people like me and my children can't have extra help to buy food. 

But hey, its okay. I'm just going to work harder and more hours, so others can keep on doing nothing.. yet, keep being rewarded by our shitty excuse of a government.

And I, for damn sure, will be voting next election.

REPUBLICANS will stop this kind of foolishness from going on. The people who need help, get none. The people who sit at home and have no plans of bettering themselves... get everything handed to them.

Homes, cell phones, food, cash, you name it.. 

This country is going to hell.

Lingering Questions

Here I sit.

In the silence of my home, with only the slight humming of my cave man desktop running.

Both girls are tucked away in bed.

Of course at least one is in my bed.

I tried to lay down myself, but.. something was keeping me from doing so.

I just feel like blogging:

This week. I made a rash decision to change jobs. My current job is in a bit of a slump, and I have lost quite a bit of pay. Mind you, not enough that I wouldn't be able to take care of my kids, but.. it would end a lot of out "Family Days" and shopping events. Things I love to do for my children. I have basically been hired at a nursing home. Just awaiting orientation. The thing is.. I truly love home health. I have never wanted to work at a nursing home. Ever. I wouldn't be happy, I would be working harder and longer hours. And ultimately see my children less. However, I wonder when this slump with my current job will cease. Will it be too late? Will I be passing up an opportunity that I can't get back? So many questions..

A part of me says, "Do whats going to make you happy!" While the other part yells back, "But is that going to continue to provide for your children and for how much longer??" It's a never ending battle. I was positive on my idea of a new job being what I wanted, until I thought about it today. Sitting there with each client who told me how much I make their day, how much they appreciate me, etc. This one on one time is so special to these people. I am the reason they are not living in the sad environment of a nursing home. I give them a sense of hope, a smile, a companion. I hope I can make my mind up about this. It's eating at me.

I want to do whats best for my children. I want to be the mother they deserve. Every day, I try to make it better than the day before. I know I'm far from being a perfect mother, but.. I will always keep trying. My kids are my world, no matter how frustrating it gets at times. I wouldn't be half the person I am today, without them. Both of them. They make me stronger, smarter, more determined, etc. They take all fear away from me. The feeling of a mother, is an amazing accomplishment. I can't imagine going through life without having this experience. No way!

I can't sleep, by no means. The house could use a bit of straightening, but who wants to do that? Netflix has some options for me, but who wants to watch TV alone? I could crochet, but the silence is kind of bothersome. Oh life, you sure are full of questions tonight. Of course a nice hot bath sounds relaxing. 

I do have a book I need to finish reading. Alton Brown. Has to be my favorite chef. He goes so much further into each recipe. He tells you the why and how. This is the third book of his I have now. It's something that is so hard to put down.. oh, until your toddler lets you know she needs her juice, a diaper change, or a snack. ;) The life of a mommy... lol!

I hope all the answers I am looking for come to me, soon. Maybe a new client open or a current client get out of the hospital. Heck, maybe both! That would be a sure sign.

Can't a mommy have the best of both worlds? Money and time with her kids?! Time for me to wonder off of this computer. I think I have decided just to go to bed. It's boring to be the only one awake.

Although I complain, I also have a lot to be thankful for. I am able to support my children. There is a solid roof over our heads and running, clean, water in our home. We have more than some, but most of all, we have each other. We are a family, no matter how small, we are a family. I would do anything in this world to make sure my girls are taken care of, and am fortunate enough to be able to do so. Being a single mother has it's perks. I get double the amount of love! 

Headed on to bed. Isn't it terrible that as parents, we can barely stay away until 10:00PM?!     

7 Fact Monday

7 Random Things, you might care less to read about, but... 

do it for me :)

#1- I buy myself flowers on a bi weekly basis. Different flowers and colors each time. Flowers make me happy and spruce up my kitchen.. so, ladies, if flowers make you happy, don't wait on a man to buy them on Valentines Day, get your own! & buy a nice vase, for extra "oomph"!

#2- I love to make new recipes! This little darling is an icebox cake, basically you don't bake it.. completely refrigerated! It was yummy! Strawberries and Chocolate, how can you go wrong? Was super easy to make, and even easier to clean up! This gets TWO thumbs up!

#3- Twice Smashed Broccoli and cheese baked potatoes are amazing!

This picture was riiiight before putting them in the oven. I try to eat healthy, but sometimes.. I have to mix my veggies with good ole carbs!

Mmmm. I could drool over these!

#4- This little fella scared the ba jeep-ies outta me, when I was getting out of my car yesterday. Luckily, he stayed still enough for me to take a glamor shot.

#5- This is post baby body at 8 weeks. Still got more work to do, but still very pleased. It just takes time! (And to resist the above recipes!) Excuse my messy bathroom, I've been scrubbing the house and painting walls, before moving. Which brings me to my next topic...

#6- THIS is what I have been up to lately. Packing, packing, packing. Dontcha' just love my gator painted kitchen? Yeah.. Im talented, book me for your next paint job, ha ha! I've just got the bathroom and my room to pack, and we will be outta here. Only 4 more days! Crazy, huh?! Can't wait to do a "Cribs" blog, ha ha!

#7- I HATE my feet, but I had to share this. This was Saturday.

Take some hot, hot, hot H2O, and pour one cup of vinegar in it. Soak your feet for 45 minutes, dry them off, and use your little stone thing uh ma jig to scrape off alllll the dead skin, and nasty hard stuff! I use my ped egg, works amazing! THEN, coat your feet in Vaseline and wrap them babies up with cozy socks. Oh, and I totally don't use this pot to cook with, just got it a long time ago, and never used it, so I decided to make it my "foot soakin tub". I promise you, this is a miracle foot scrub!

Makes my feet mucho grande better!!!

So, hope this made you realize how "un boring" YOUR life is, ha ha!

Rushing through some last minute school work,

Tiffany

Truth Is..

I haven't blogged much lately.

I guess I just.. 

haven't felt up to it.

 Addie & Music is my soul.

Blogging just helps my day.

I wish I weren't so... emotional.

This pregnancy has, by far, been the hardest thing I have ever coped with.

Hell, I don't think Im coping with it, still...

Doing it alone, hurts everyday..

Not knowing if I'll ever find someone to be here for us..

Kills me.

My friends and family.. 

They all think Im so content in this life.. in this skin.

I'm nowhere close. 

It's easy to walk around with a smile, 

and turn my head away when the tears well up.

Cough, when I can't deal with the ever growing lump in my throat.

Do they even know how alone I feel?

If I didn't have Addie.. 

I really would be lost. 

After going through everything in this last year.. 

I'm not even me, anymore.

My closest friends..

don't even know me.

I don't wanna sit here and just wallow in self-pity.

But,

I do just wanna lay here and cry, tonight.

I don't wanna pretend everythings okay.

I don't wanna blink away the tears.

I don't wanna swallow that lump.

I don't wanna flash a smile.

I dont wanna lie and say "Oh, Im fine."

The truth is:

I just wanna cry, for tonight.

I just wanna listen to my country music.

Just for tonight:

I just don't wanna be the strong one.

36 Weeks And Craving...

Mama and her belly!

Were at 36 weeks!

I feel SO huge!

& tired.

I dont think I have ever felt so drained.

Tonight, Addie and I went to go after all my cravings.

 I figure Ill go after them now, and diet like hell later!

-12 pack Dr. Pepper

-20 oz. Dr. Pepper

-BIG Mocha Frappuccino

-2 Slim Jims

-2 King Size Twix

-Ice Cream Cake

-Tostitos Scoop Chips

-Salsa

-Queso

-BIG box of the BIG Fudge Rounds (Little Debbies)\

-Doublemint Gum

-Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

-Frosted Animal Crackers

and Addie wanted:

-3 Puree Fruit Squeezes

-Hershey Bar

-Mini Reese Cups

(of course, Ill be sharing with her..)

So yeah, 

we really went wild!

Now that Im home.. I dont want any of it.

This is how it goes.

Ahh. Oh well, it will be here when I need something. Ha!