Truth Is..

I haven't blogged much lately.

I guess I just.. 

haven't felt up to it.

 Addie & Music is my soul.

Blogging just helps my day.

I wish I weren't so... emotional.

This pregnancy has, by far, been the hardest thing I have ever coped with.

Hell, I don't think Im coping with it, still...

Doing it alone, hurts everyday..

Not knowing if I'll ever find someone to be here for us..

Kills me.

My friends and family.. 

They all think Im so content in this life.. in this skin.

I'm nowhere close. 

It's easy to walk around with a smile, 

and turn my head away when the tears well up.

Cough, when I can't deal with the ever growing lump in my throat.

Do they even know how alone I feel?

If I didn't have Addie.. 

I really would be lost. 

After going through everything in this last year.. 

I'm not even me, anymore.

My closest friends..

don't even know me.

I don't wanna sit here and just wallow in self-pity.

But,

I do just wanna lay here and cry, tonight.

I don't wanna pretend everythings okay.

I don't wanna blink away the tears.

I don't wanna swallow that lump.

I don't wanna flash a smile.

I dont wanna lie and say "Oh, Im fine."

The truth is:

I just wanna cry, for tonight.

I just wanna listen to my country music.

Just for tonight:

I just don't wanna be the strong one.