Lingering Questions

Here I sit.

In the silence of my home, with only the slight humming of my cave man desktop running.

Both girls are tucked away in bed.

Of course at least one is in my bed.

I tried to lay down myself, but.. something was keeping me from doing so.

I just feel like blogging:

This week. I made a rash decision to change jobs. My current job is in a bit of a slump, and I have lost quite a bit of pay. Mind you, not enough that I wouldn't be able to take care of my kids, but.. it would end a lot of out "Family Days" and shopping events. Things I love to do for my children. I have basically been hired at a nursing home. Just awaiting orientation. The thing is.. I truly love home health. I have never wanted to work at a nursing home. Ever. I wouldn't be happy, I would be working harder and longer hours. And ultimately see my children less. However, I wonder when this slump with my current job will cease. Will it be too late? Will I be passing up an opportunity that I can't get back? So many questions..

A part of me says, "Do whats going to make you happy!" While the other part yells back, "But is that going to continue to provide for your children and for how much longer??" It's a never ending battle. I was positive on my idea of a new job being what I wanted, until I thought about it today. Sitting there with each client who told me how much I make their day, how much they appreciate me, etc. This one on one time is so special to these people. I am the reason they are not living in the sad environment of a nursing home. I give them a sense of hope, a smile, a companion. I hope I can make my mind up about this. It's eating at me.

I want to do whats best for my children. I want to be the mother they deserve. Every day, I try to make it better than the day before. I know I'm far from being a perfect mother, but.. I will always keep trying. My kids are my world, no matter how frustrating it gets at times. I wouldn't be half the person I am today, without them. Both of them. They make me stronger, smarter, more determined, etc. They take all fear away from me. The feeling of a mother, is an amazing accomplishment. I can't imagine going through life without having this experience. No way!

I can't sleep, by no means. The house could use a bit of straightening, but who wants to do that? Netflix has some options for me, but who wants to watch TV alone? I could crochet, but the silence is kind of bothersome. Oh life, you sure are full of questions tonight. Of course a nice hot bath sounds relaxing. 

I do have a book I need to finish reading. Alton Brown. Has to be my favorite chef. He goes so much further into each recipe. He tells you the why and how. This is the third book of his I have now. It's something that is so hard to put down.. oh, until your toddler lets you know she needs her juice, a diaper change, or a snack. ;) The life of a mommy... lol!

I hope all the answers I am looking for come to me, soon. Maybe a new client open or a current client get out of the hospital. Heck, maybe both! That would be a sure sign.

Can't a mommy have the best of both worlds? Money and time with her kids?! Time for me to wonder off of this computer. I think I have decided just to go to bed. It's boring to be the only one awake.

Although I complain, I also have a lot to be thankful for. I am able to support my children. There is a solid roof over our heads and running, clean, water in our home. We have more than some, but most of all, we have each other. We are a family, no matter how small, we are a family. I would do anything in this world to make sure my girls are taken care of, and am fortunate enough to be able to do so. Being a single mother has it's perks. I get double the amount of love! 

Headed on to bed. Isn't it terrible that as parents, we can barely stay away until 10:00PM?!