My Brain Threw Up

Tiffany Thinks....

Tiffany thinks shes has it all figured out. A plan. A goal. Life...

But she dont

And to be honest, it scares me more than anything in this world, to face the reality of things. It literally tears me down. To sit here and think about the mess I'm in. No... It does not bother me for myself. To think about the mess I'm getting my kids into. The mess they are having to endure. Because of me. All, me.

     The one thing I have always tried to avoid: FAILURE.

Even when I feel like I'm doing it, making it, etc. There is always this voice in my head, that I try so desperately to ignore.

"Your drowning, running on empty, failing, tired, failing, you'll never be more than you are, failing, you'll be just like her, failing..."

 

I try. I do. So hard. And always end up with the same thing. I want so much more for my kids. I do. 

 

I have problems; I'm not afraid to admit

 

The lifestyle I had growing up.. is not what I want for my kids. I want them to know they can come to me with anything, know they are loved more than anything, know they come first in my life... and I have gone about it all wrong.I have showered them with materialistic things. I have devoted every dollar to make them feel loved with toys, clothes, shoes, etc. This is not love. It's not. I need to show them love in every aspect of their life, without money. And I am going to...

 

  My goals aren't realistic anymore. I have a family, that I created. I chose. I take full responsibility for that, no doubt. I don't expect anyone to drop their life and take care of me or my kids. And I never will. I want to be happy, yet still take care of my kids. Alone. I don't want to depend on ANYONE to have to be here at a certain hour to watch my kids. I don't want to have to worry who will be here and who won't. I really do just want to run away and say "Fuck you all!". But what would that solve? Me being angry at people for not helping me?? How can I be angry at people for that... I dont know why I'm angry about it... I've never had anyone, in my whole life to actually be there 100% for me. So, when someone tells me they will be there for me, and start backing out.. it bothers me, to say the least. I cannot count on one person. And I dont want to. I really dont. I want to take matters in my own hands, do it myself, raise my kids, and to hell with everyone else. Thats what I want. And in order to do this.. my fucking pride is going to have to lay down for a while.

 

I recognize the issues: Now I need a new plan

 

I'm going to have to take the advice I have been given. Normally, I don't choose this route. Because I trust nobody. But, this is different. Probably the only person who has come closest to "being there", even if it was brief. Nonetheless, my only friend. I'm going to have to find a new job. And it kills me to think about having to re-do this process again. I tried so hard to get the job I have now. I cannot keep working nights. I cannot afford, nor survive, going back to school right now. I cannot keep worrying about every other aspect of everything, at this moment. It's time to seclude myself, even more than I already have. I have to focus on my kids and I, at this moment. I have to get this stress off my shoulders.. off my heart. Because, ultimately, it will kill me. If I have to reach to people, I don't need them This will be the mindset I keep. For a while. New job, new hours, new me, new rules.... A new lifestyle. 

 

My biggest issue:

 

My self esteem. It's basically dissipated in the last 4 years. I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I have no sense of appreciation for myself. I don't feel good about myself. Inside or out. When I'm alone, I can see a glimpse of good in myself. When I'm around anyone else, I'm just another uneducated, white girl. I feel all of my confidence slip. I blame anxiety for this. I blame the people who I have been surrounded by my whole life, for this. But, in the end, I can blame myself. I have allowed people to make me feel like shit, to call me a failure, to treat me anyway they wish. I have spared their feelings only to destroy myself. NO FUCKING MORE! I'm done being "nice". Heres a quote for you: "They all want you to do well, but never better than them." This really hits home, because more than anyone, I know this. I have lived this. 

 

I'm not looking for pity, just facing things.

 

I'm going to pick myself up, take this advice in stride, and get shit done. I'm going to take this World by storm, and fast. And, alone. Other than my kids, of course. But, mama is going to turn this all around. "You're the parent... YOU are the parent." I don't think I can cry anymore over these scenarios, and I'm not going to. My eyes are tired of being red. I just have to face reality. I have to do something that works. I cannot see this as a fail, like I currently do. I have to see this as... better opportunities.  

 

I have to stop seeing myself as this uneducated, unsophisticated, unattractive, in-confident, failure of a person... that I see myself as, every time I step out my front door, every phone conversation I have, every person I talk to, every day of my life. I am who I am, and she's not sitting back, anymore. I don't need anyone's approval of what I do/am doing. IF I do ask you for advice, feel special, because it's a 0.1% chance that I actually care what anyone thinks.

 

So, as the new me, let me introduce myself to you:

"My name is Tiffany. I despise every fucking nigger who lives off the hard work I do every single day, to raise my kids. Then wants to tell ME that "African Americans" are the minority. FUCK YOU! I do not support Obama, and I have very strong, yet intelligent political beliefs. I do not care if I offend you with any of this. Other than the fact that I have to fear for my life (shot, raped, maybe both?!), I would gladly announce my introduction to everyone I come in contact with. I won't go further in depth, because I could be here all night... But the point is..

 

My name is Tiffany, & I am DONE with the bullshit; Time to do something about things.