Weight

**I found this blog entry from June 15, 2012**
Figured I would make it public.
Hope it makes someone else realize they aren't alone.

My biggest insecurity:

My weight.

Growing up, I was always the runt of the litter, so to speak. I could eat anything I wanted or nothing at all.. I never gained weight.

I remember making it my goal in high school to weigh 70 pounds.

I hated being so tiny.

I had no figure, like my friends.

Hips, but that was only because of my genes.

I don't know where things changed...

I remember being 103 pounds back in 2009, the beginning.

I was overall, happy at this weight.

I worked out, although I didn't need to.

I met a man who I thought loved me and married him at the end of 2009, 

I was 110 pounds, the day of my wedding.

I started feeling self conscious, but shrugged it off.

From November 2009 to February 2010..

I gained weight.

20 pounds.

I was at 130.

I remember that man, telling me how he was going to buy me a treadmill for Christmas.

How we would divorce me if I got fat.

Then I got pregnant.

By the day my baby girl was born,

I had gained 43 more pounds.

I was at 173 pounds.

5 foot.

I was made fun of not only by this man, but also by family and friends.

I would hear remarks about how 

"Tiffany had jawls, did you see them?"

"I didn't recognize you.. Wow!"

"Bet you never thought you would look like this, huh?"

"look at your arms!"

This list could go on and on..

I cried about it ALL the time.

Some people tell me, I'm crazy, and it's all in my head..

I look fine..

But, do they even know what I have gone through?

After my first pregnancy, I got major stretchmarks.

It was inevitable.

Starting immediately, 

trying everything I could to lose weight...

from not eating anything, to making myself run up and down the stairs for hours, on an empty stomach.

I didn't care.. I just knew I had to lose it.

That man, continued to mock me, 

call me names, and talk about how "gross" my stomach now looked.

By the time of my next pregnancy.. October 2010, 

I was at 133.

3 pounds from pre pregnancy weight.

23 pounds from my goal.

Now it was more devastating, time to get fat again, is how I saw it..

I'm currently 35 weeks & 2 days pregnant.

I weigh, with clothes on,

152 pounds.

So the Dr's say.. 

Im doing much better this time, 

but I see the weight.. in my face, my thighs, my sides..

It really just pulls me down.

After this baby is born..

I will be losing weight.

I just hope I can do it in a healthy way.

I pray for that..

now that I am a Mommy, 

I am a role model..

I don't want my girls to EVER feel like they aren't "skinny" enough.

Sad how the media affects this image..

sad how all the men drool over these images..

I hate it.

I hate feeling the way I do about my body.

I hate feeling so insecure, a total turn off.

I hate looking down at my stretch marks.

I hate that I even know what cellulite is.

I hate that I try so hard, to just "suck it in".

I hate that I feel like, "If only I were skinnier...."

"..I wouldn't be alone."

I hate that this is how the world is..

However, at the moment..

I hate that I'm up at 3AM, 

thinking about all this.

Crying over things I cannot change at the moment.

Crying over how those people have hurt me, about my weight.